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A birthday and a funeral

A part of me doesn’t want to write this down but a part of me doesn’t ever want to forget what I’m feeling right now so I thought I’d go with that one and delete it later if it’s too much to be reminded of.

It’s 9PM here and I have no other word to describe how I’m feeling right now other than overwhelmed. Today was Hudson’s second birthday. 2 years ago Brian held my hand as I cried in agony trying to give birth to this perfect little human. Brian encouraged me and pushed me and rubbed my back through every single contraction until Hudson was born. Today looking at Hudson as 50 of my closest friends & family sang Happy Birthday to him - in a time that should be filled with so much joy- all I could think was Brian should be standing next to me as we sing to him together. This is Brian’s son and Hudson will never get to hear his dad song happy birthday to him again in his life. He’ll never get that really cool present meant to be purchased from a dad to his son on landmark birthdays. I was surrounded today by so much love and support but inside I feel hollow and heartbroken. It was an overwhelming sense of sadness. This same overwhelming feeling is how I feel about the incredible amount of love and support I’ve received from all of our family & friends who have taken time out of their lives to fly here to be with me. Who have left their kids at home, or brought them with. Who have taken time off work, spent an incredible amount of money, energy and time just to be here with me and hold my hand as I can’t find the words to even say thank you. I’m overwhelmed by the feeling of love from everyone, I just wish Brian were here to spend this time with you all too.

Brian and I loved each other more than anything in this universe and the thought of never holding his hand again or laughing with him, or watching him watch his children.. I’m just heartbroken.

Tomorrow is his funeral. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

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