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Baby Steps

This weekend I took this kids on our first real adventure since Brian passed away. I’ve been to the airport a dozen times but haven’t spent any time exploring Salt Lake City and since it’s only (supposed) to be a 5ish hour drive from Boise, we packed up the car and headed out Thursday morning. We spent the weekend walking along the beach of the great Salt Lake (It was much smellier than I expected), we played at a Mormon theme park called ‘This Is The Place’ where the kids spent the afternoon doing as the settlers did and had a blast, we walked around Temple Square and got to spend some time at the visitors centers which only increased my strange fascination with the Mormon religion and then we packed up at 4am Sunday morning and drove back.

This weekend was a true confidence boost for me. I was sad Brian wasn’t there – as I always will be on family outings – but I also felt proud of myself for making it happen and going for it regardless. It’s not an easy task to wrangle three small children around a strange city – stopping every 3 hours to feed a newborn – all while sleep deprived- but it’s important to me to raise these kids as Brian and I had intended and that includes taking advantage of opportunities to adventure, explore and learn from our experiences.

Each day is still filled with ups and downs, things that make me happy and things that make me overwhelmingly sad. I’m told grief is like the waves of an ocean, pushing you in and pulling you back out again and that it will be like that for quite some time. Hudson is speaking more and more clearly every single day. He’s growing into this confident, hilarious and handsome little gentleman who tries to open the door open for his mama but gives his sister a wet willy 4 seconds later. Izzy is excelling at pre-school, coming home asking me to give her homework and reading time like her cousin in 3rd grade does. Adeline has almost doubled in size these past 8 weeks and is adored by her brother and sister. She wakes me up at least 3 times a night to eat but she’s healthy and strong and I’m so thankful that she’s a fighter. I wish Brian were here to witness it all, this is his family, his legacy and his bloodline that’s developing. With each day that passes I’m trying to shift my focus from just being sad, to building the strength and courage I need to move forward and raise these kids as Brian and I had intended. Each day brings a little more confidence, a little more peace and a little more determination to get through this.

I'm taking baby steps, this trip to SLC was a good little step for us as a family and I'm proud of myself and my kids for making it happen, but wow do I miss my best friend.

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