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It's been one week

It’s been one week since I lay screaming and crying in the hallway of a Honolulu ER as a doctor and security guard told me the love of my life had died, that he didn’t make it. I crumpled to the floor at her feet begging her to go back in and help him, to please do something. There’s no way it could be real. It had to be a terrible pregnancy dream I was having because there’s no way this man who I shared my life with, whose daughter was kicking me still from inside my pregnant belly, whose kids were waiting in the car with a diver from the shop while I was inside receiving this news, had died. There’s just no way it could be real. Divers who had been on the boat that morning with Brian hovered over me, tried to hold me as I lay broken on the ER floor, using my only breath to beg the doctor to go back in to fix him. I’m not ready to talk about what happened next, but I will never as long as I live forget it and hope it’s therapeutic to talk about some day.

One week later I still look at my phone for messages from him. I still look up expecting to see him walk in the door. I close my eyes and I see him smile, I hear him laugh, I feel us laying on the couch holding hands. My heart is broken. Shattered beyond repair. Brian wasn’t just my husband, he was my everything. We shared every detail of our lives with each other, he got me and I got him and there was just nobody else in the world besides each other and eventually our incredible children.

I write this from a place of trying to work towards healing, trying to look at photos of us together and have it make me happy for all the incredible experiences and invaluable memories we shared together- instead of sad for all the plans we made that will go unfulfilled now. Brian truly was the best thing that ever happened to me and I will forever be grateful to him for all he taught me about myself, my strength, what true love feels like and what it means to be happy.

Thank you everyone for your outpouring of love and support during this time. I’m reading your messages as they come in and will try to respond when I’m feeling up for it. As a reminder Brian’s service is this Saturday, June 2nd at the Pearl Harbor Main Chapel at 3pm with reception to follow at the Admirals Boat House by restaurant 604. Please message me if you have any questions or concerns - We’re still working on transportation for all without military ID and hope to have that all sorted out by Tuesday and will update at that point.

Also, it is our son Hudson’s 2nd birthday on Friday, June 1st and we will be celebrating him with pizza and swimming at our house at 5pm. I’d love to have some of his dad’s friends there to make him feel loved if anyone is flying in and on the island, please join us. Just message me for our address.

Thank you again everyone for your love, I will need you more than you know as the kids and I begin to navigate life without Brian here.

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