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Month 4

4 months today. I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. Nothing I can say will change this terribly shitty situation. I'm watching his babies grow before my very eyes. I'm looking at photos of us during the best moments/days/years of our entire lives and longing for more. I'm having to remind myself that keeping these memories to tell him about later will do no good, he's gone and not coming back. While I recognize that's the truth, at some point I'll have to start believing it. 4 months in and today is not that day.

I know there are good memories to come for the kids and I. I know that Terry, Nikki and I will individually and together be able to recall hilarious memories of him without bursting into tears. I know that this sadness won't always be as poignant, that over time it will become more bearable and will gently fade. I'm also keenly aware that as the sadness fades, so do the minuscule details of my memories with him. The way he yelled "babe!" from the bottom of the stairs, the way he'd grab my hand and kiss it just because, the way he'd purse his lips together when I said something funny that he was trying not to laugh at, the way he'd comb his fingers through his hair that he was so unbelievably proud of. I'm afraid to not be so sad anymore because when I start letting go of the sadness I let go of these details. When I let go of the details I'm accepting this is our reality and I'm faced with the fact I have to move forward without him.

Finding the true love of your life is something not everyone gets to experience. Brian and I were lucky enough to have found that with each other in 2003 when we were too young to accept it, but when we came back to each other 10 years later and those feelings were still there - there was nothing left to do but embrace it and enjoy every single moment we had together which is something we indisputably accomplished right up until the very end.

4 months later and things are slowly moving along. We're still in Boise but have an offer in on a house in Vancouver, WA. Brian and I met in Portland, OR and the PNW is what feels like home and where I want to raise the kids for the time being. Having access to the coast is a non-negotiable for me and something Brian and I had always planned for ourselves and our family. It's always been therapeutic in a sense, but even more so now.

As I said above, I know good things are to come for the kids and I, I know grief is a process that I can't avoid, I can't skip over. It's a journey we're all on together and I'm thankful to everyone for the love and support you've shown me while on this roller coaster. I've started collecting my thoughts to put into a book and it's something I'm going to use as another outlet to help me in this process. I will keep you all updated as that concept comes to fruition but I sincerely appreciate the love.

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