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One year later

One year ago today we said goodbye to our home in Gig Harbor, WA. This was the home we had brought Isabel and Hudson home to, the home we came back to after exchanging our “I Do’s!” The home we laughed in, cried in, made a family in. The first place we called home, together. We were so sad to leave this home but even more excited to start our new lives in Hawaii. We had huge dreams of having another baby, exploring all of the islands, spending every day at the beach, sailing around Oahu at sunset from Team Stay Gold, diving to our hearts content and teaching our kids to love and respect the ocean that we both love(d) so much. Never in a million years did either of us care to imagine that only 9 months later this world, these dreams, this life would be shattered.

We lived our very best life in Hawaii. We took full advantage of living this fantasy life with each other, knowing we were truly made for each other. We created life together, we explored over corner of Oahu as well as Kauai and the Big Island. We found a hidden spot up on The North Shore that we tried to visit every Sunday, stopping at “our” coffee shop along the way so the kids could chase the chickens and we could sit on the picnic table and laugh- almost always at how ridiculously lucky we were and how we just couldn’t believe this was our life. We never did get to take our boat out for a sunset cruise, but we did get to dive a few times together before I got pregnant with Adeline. I have no regrets about the time we spent in Hawaii or how we spent it, in fact I’m grateful for the incredible memories we made there- but it’s hard to now one year later look back at that final goodbye to our home in Gig Harbor and wish we’d never said it.

Time is a crazy concept. This one full year seems like ‘forever’ ago and yet Brian has been gone nearly 3 months but the memory, images and hurt are as vivid as if it was yesterday. It feels as it time has stood still since I saw the look on the doctors face in the Honolulu ER. I don’t want time to continue on without him here, it’s not fair that life gets to go on without him to enjoy it and experience it. The kids are changing before my very eyes; Hudson is talking more and more every day and losing his baby face, Isabel is starting school in a few weeks and it’s just not right that all of this is happening without him. At the same time now that I’ve accepted this is our reality and he’s truly not coming back, I find myself wishing time would speed up- that we could fast forward the next few years to a time where hopefully this isn’t all as excruciatingly painful as it is now. To a time where I’m equipped at answering the kids’ questions about where dadda is, to where I’m not hyper emotional from bringing his own daughter into this world knowing they won’t ever get to meet each other, to a time where I can sleep at night and just have a little bit of peace with the cards we’ve been dealt.

I find myself day dreaming about Hawaii and Gig Harbor and just longing to be back home, anywhere, with him.

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