Updated: Mar 1, 2019
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that at some point I’m going to start dating. DATING. That’s a word I never thought I’d have to utter again and I can’t tell you how gross it feels to think about it. Meeting for dinner, a drink, or coffee. Small talk and chit chat. Politics. Where did you grow up, do you have siblings, what are your hobbies. UGHHHH. Who cares! I don’t wear makeup, I don’t own a pair of Spanx, I’ve had three kids and a body to match it, and I’m probably one of the most direct people you’ll meet in this process. What you see is what you get, so I’d rather skip through all the small talk and get to the real question: are we compatible enough to make this work long term.
From the moment Brian and I reconnected we knew that was it for one another. We were meant to be together and regardless of everything else each of us had going on in our lives at the time, we put in 100% effort towards each other and because of our commitment to one another, we had this unstoppable couple dynamic. We brought out the absolute best in one another. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before and trying to find somebody suitable to follow that is not going to be an easy task. That being said, I’m lonely. I miss what I had with Brian, but I also just miss having someone to talk to. To laugh with, to text message silly photos and random thoughts.
I’m a member of a few widows support groups online where the hot topic is always dating after losing their spouse. One person said she was ready to date after 3 weeks and another said it’s been 7 years and she’s still not ready. Most others are somewhere in between those timeframes. I don’t know if there’s an appropriate amount of time to pass, in fact, I know there’s not, but from what everyone says, the judgement is going to come in from people regardless of how little or long it’s been based on how they think they would do it. I’m confident and thankful for the conversations I had with Brian in this regard during our years of marriage. These conversations always ended in tears at the thought of anything actually happening, but we knew we needed our wishes known by one another and I’m thankful to have his voice in my head as I write this, and more recently thankful for the conversations had with his family to the same effect.
I know there is not another Brian out there. But maybe there is somebody out there.
I’m not looking forward to putting together a potential online dating profile. Those of you in this world of actively dating; What do you write on there? What do I write on there? How do you let somebody know who you are without scaring them off, but also not wasting your time with somebody that just isn’t going to be it? How do you be honest and upfront but also not put too much of yourself out there?
ME: I’m a widow with a lot of baggage. A mother to three very young children who will always be a part of my decisions. I’m extremely stubborn and independent – traits that sound charming but that I assure you will get frustrating at some point for you. I’m still mourning the loss of my husband and my best friend, I talk about him a lot which usually leads to me crying. I’m an ugly crier. I’m funny and kind, but selfish with my time and don’t want to waste it, especially if you’re not worth it. My life is splattered all over the internet, which means yours will be too. The only thing I spend money on is my kids and travel. I have volumes of books to be written about my life – one of which I’m currently working on, which is all about my deceased husband and my amazing life together. In it I talk about the incredible sexual chemistry we had, just fair warning. Also, you can’t be a jealous person. I will only watch documentaries or slapstick comedies, and I like to have control of the TV remote. I don’t like “going out” and I get nervous if I’m not at home in my sweatpants by 6PM. Also, I am dreading the idea of dating and will most likely be incredibly awkward.
YOU: You can make me laugh. You can make me feel beautiful even when I’m covered in baby vomit and haven’t slept in months. You can understand I’m in love with the memory of my deceased husband and the life we shared together. You can love and adore my three children that aren’t yours – but also respect the man who is their father and the life he wanted for them. You need to be patient but very strong and independent. You need to love adventure and the water, traveling and being outside- and doing it all with three kids in tow. You sail or scuba dive, rock-climb, fight fires or bad guys, something that keeps you engaged and active. You need to be very confident. You also rarely drink, preferably don’t eat meat and don’t do drugs and you don’t think sports are very cool. You’re willing to relocate and/or already live in the Pacific Northwest. You're ok with the fact I let my dog sleep on the couch. And chair. And bed.
That’s my first go at it, what do you think? Also, I’m joking. If/when I actually make an online dating profile – I will most likely omit about 90% of the above info. They can figure all of that out when they’re googling me. :)
Until then, I’m working on fine tuning the “ME” section. For the past four and a half years I’ve been working as a project manager for a CPR/First Aid company out of San Francisco. This job has enabled me to work from home (wherever it was at the time) and watch my kids grow up while still providing great income so we could travel and have fun things to do during the hours we weren’t working. I’ve been working on and off since May, trying very hard to get back to the routine I had before losing Brian. Two weeks ago I finally admitted what used to be my normal isn’t my normal anymore and I need to make some changes in all areas of my life to get to a new normal that works for me and works for the kids. Part of this task involved me asking my boss for a leave of absence. He has been so gracious to me throughout this entire process and thankfully he agreed and said to come back when I’m ready. I plan on taking the next few months off to find my new normal. I want to hike, to spend time outside, to explore, to have adventures, to play with my kids, to settle into our new home, to lose the baby weight I’ve been hanging onto since getting pregnant with Izzy, to laugh and I think at some point to start dating. SO, if you know anybody who fits the above criteria, please have them send me their resume – just advise them to do a quick google search so they know what they’re getting in to. :)
Thanks for reading. xo