Keeping with the theme of full transparency as I navigate this excruciating painful and heartbreaking time of my life, today I joined a Facebook group of pregnant widows- of which worldwide there are 36 members. Typing out an introduction of my circumstances really hit home - I’m 27 weeks pregnant, my husband died 3 weeks ago in a tragic scuba diving accident to which I have no answers as to the cause, I’m going to be moving out of the home all of the last years worth of memories made with him were made in, across an ocean - in less than 3 weeks time to give birth to his daughter that he’ll never meet and without him there to help me through it.
Today I attempted to start going through his clothes so that I have something ready for when the movers show up on Friday to pick up the first load of stuff to ship. I walked in our bedroom, sat down in front of his giant pile of clean clothes on the floor next to his bed and started bawling. Each shirt has a memory of him wearing it and us going on an date, or to the beach, or sailing or holding hands.. I cried and then realized I’m not ready to pack up any of his stuff yet as that’s too real and too final to face. My entire life has changed these past 3 weeks; who I thought I was, who I need to be, where I need to live, my role as a mom, what I need to do.. without my partner here, it’s all on me to make it work for my kids and our family. Brian and I had a 50 year plan in place, a life of indescribable love, laughter, adventure, concluding with us growing old and sitting in rocking chairs on the porch of our retirement home at the Oregon Coast. Now I’m struggling to just get to tomorrow and the day after that. This is so hard. I miss him.