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Tears upon tears

For those of you wondering what it’s like like to be 34 years old, 7.5 months pregnant, mom to a 2 and 3 year old and a widow; it fucking sucks. Every night since Brian passed away has been excruciating but last night was particularly terrible and I’m pretty sure I cried more than the kids did.

The day we left Hawaii, Hudson came down with a fever and a terrible cough. He’s been crying and whining and stuck at my side since then. Monday night Izzy came down with the same thing and has been awake all night the past two nights crying because it hurts when she coughs. Last night I joined in the misery and threw myself a pity party at 130AM while both kids were in my bed crying and inconsolable. My incredible sister-in-law Nikki (who has displaced her own family from their bedrooms and normal lives to take us all in to her home until we figure things out) came into “my” room at one point and sat with us while we all cried, holding our hands and rubbing the kids backs. I will never be able to give her a proper thank you for the love she has shown me and the kids these past 6 weeks but I am eternally grateful to her and her family.

I am exhausted, heartbroken, fearful, devastated and about to have a baby. I’m feeling completely inadequate and not confident with the reality of raising these 3 kids by myself. In a time where I should be so unbelievably excited about bringing our baby into this world, in a word; I’m scared. Brian was my sounding board for all things hectic. We built dreams together, businesses together, achieved life goals together and most importantly made and raised these kids together. He was the one who would wake up in the middle of the night when Hudson was upset, take his blanket and pillow and go lay down on his floor until Hudson fell back asleep, sometimes opting to just stay the rest of the night in there so when I’d wake up in the morning and walk past Hudsons room I’d see them both passed out.

Brian did everything in his power to make me feel supported, loved and special - actually he did this for everyone he knew. I’m trying to work through so many different major life changes right now.. please just keep sending happy thoughts our way and if you want to come spend the night once baby Adeline gets here to help me with nighttime feedings and diaper changes, that would be appreciated also.

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