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Week Three

As I/we approach three weeks without Brian here it is starting to sink in that this is real and has truly happened. The first two weeks after getting the “Mrs. Bugge there’s been an accident on the dive your husband was on this morning” call - I was in such a haze. Even though I saw him and felt him in the ER and knew in my head it was real, those first two weeks I was sincerely holding on to the hope that it was a really bad pregnancy dream that I was just having the hardest time waking up from, but that eventually I would and I’d look over at Brian and be able to tell him how realistic it was and have him calm me down. Since his funeral last Saturday, which for me really cemented the notion that this isn’t a dream and what we’re all experiencing right now is real life- I’m now trying to clear myself from this haze. With the exception of a couple, my friends and family have all left the island and I’m getting a realistic glimpse of what life is going to be like without Brian coming back to us. And it’s fucking scary. Terrifying. Heart wrenching.

I still don’t have any answers as to what happened out there in those waters. I have individual versions of events by everyone who was in the water, on the boat and involved in the rescue- but none of those stories tell me what happened to him and/or what caused him to go unconscious. This is the single missing piece of information that keeps me awake at night. I HAVE to find the answer to this question to ever be able to move forward, to ever be able to answer his beautiful children’s questions about what happened to their dad. I’m making incredibly huge life decisions as they’re put in front of me, but until I can answer this question- I feel as though time is stuck in place.

I am so thankful to all of you for your love and support and at some point I’ll be able to read through and respond to your messages, I just don’t have it in me yet, however I really do appreciate them all.

I know you’re all asking me and wondering what my plan is now and all I can tell you is that I’m trying my best to get through each hour of the day the best I can. I’m so thankful my family and friends who took time out of the lives to be here for me are making sure Isabel and Hudson are being well taken care of and feeling loved while I don’t have the emotional capacity to do either. I have made the decision to not stay on the island any longer and specifically to not give birth to Adeline here, so the kids and I will be flying to Boise, Idaho to stay with Brian’s sister and her incredible family by the end of this month. I plan on staying there until I give birth and then trying to figure out where we go from there. Myself, a newborn, 2 year old and 4 year old mourning the loss of the best man we’ve ever known but needing to figure it out.

Writing these thoughts on here is therapeutic for me and as painful as it is and will be, I hope to be able to look back on these ramblings in the future to remember the agony I feel right now so I don’t ever forget what an incredible man Brian was and how lucky I was to have been his partner in life and love.

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